When I started this blog a few months ago, I
promised myself that I would write at least once a day. I didn't give a fuck whether it was read
worthy or plain old crap. I wanted to cultivate a habit that would stick. But
as I sit here writing this, I realise I’ve made one more promise, I just
couldn't keep.
3 years back I promised myself that I would
quit smoking and I haven’t managed to kick the butt even today. That's not the
only promise to myself that I've broken. I’ve made promises to be honest, to be
a good son, to travel the world and I haven't fulfilled any of them.
My whole life I’ve lived in the protective
bubble of my mother's love. Being in the bubble had its advantages &
disadvantages but the biggest disadvantage was constantly being compared to others. Son, you know the sweeper who comes to sweep
the building? Her son graduated from college and now he’s working in a bank,
making 6 lacs an annum. I know she means well, but for the life of me the
comparisons seldom seem to motivate me. Instead I drift away and occupy myself
with the mundane to forget about the reality of my life. My reality is that I need to make
decisions. I read this wonderful article
in the times about this Indian girl who went to the states to study, and
learned what true independence really was. She was constantly forced to make
decisions, from deciding what coffee to have to deciding which course to take. Her
stint in the U.S. taught her to be more decisive.
I couldn't help but agree with whatever she
said. The environment I live in probably isn't conducive to decision making or
it could be that I've never needed to make my own decisions. Whatever it is, I
know today that I'm pretty fucked up. But what’s the big deal with being fucked
up? Aren’t we all? You show me one person in this world who isn't fucked up in
some way and I'll cut off my left testicle. There's nothing wrong with it. It's
perfectly alright. We all can't be sure about everything we do. Fortune doesn't
shine equally on all of us. Imbalance is
the virtue on which the universe survives. Old jungle laws where the weak get
eaten and the strong amass empires. Are those folks not fucked up? Of course
they are, they are so fucked up that they have dedicated newspapers and
websites cataloguing their fuck tardiness.
It's okay to be fucked up and here's
why. I wouldn't want to live a second
more if I couldn't make mistakes and make the same mistakes a couple of times
over. I wouldn't want to live a second more if I was at peace with myself and
could satisfy myself emotionally. I wouldn't want to live a second more if I
couldn't depend on someone for love, time, and conversation. It's okay if you
haven't done everything you've set out to do because that just means that you
will do it one day. Call it flawed logic
and maybe it is, but it is my logic.
If you want to read the article that inspired me to write this piece
head here. Trust me you won't be disappointed!
Meanwhile I'll leave you with a quote from George Costanza that's very close to my heart...
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