If you're a fan of the movie, 'The Fast and the Furious', you probably wont agree with me on this point. The thing is, that whenever I have chanced on watching this or these movies I often tend to become slow and oddly confused. The engine revs and I'm usually looking around trying to figure out if anyone truly understands this shit. I know at this point you'll probably be telling yourself that this guy's got no taste or he probably doesn't live on the edge or he doesn't like speed, but let me assure you I'm a rather prolific fan of speed. So much so, that I whipped out my shades, strapped on my backpack and straddled on out of home in search for some thrills.
And here's what happened next. Now not many people know this but I'm obsessed with Rickshawallahs. This obsession began the day they started ignoring my pleas for a ride here and a ride there till I started wondering if there actually is any logical reason they exist. Eventually I got into one and two minutes into the drive I decided on writing an article on character profiles for rickshawallahs. Here is what I came up with. In all I found 5 distinct characters plying the streets of Mumbai.
If you encounter this breed don't panic instead do either one of the two, nod your head incessantly or quietly slip out at the signal. These guys love to talk about politics, the weather and local law enforcement. In fact they talk about it with such measured dignity that you're almost taken aback, just enough to plug in those earphones. I tried that but on first notice my rickshaw guy drove on even slower thereby getting his point across. If I had to take a wild guess at the origins of this breed it would probably be that their ancestors were the neglected turds of parrots but it would just be a wild guess!
Nothing deters them not even the wind, they ride the lighting and stop only for the occasional leak. They reek of blood, sweat and tears (quite literally). The great thing about them though is that if you're in a hurry then they know just how fast to drive which isn't much because its a fucking rickshaw. But if you really want to catch a glimpse of true speed just look at their meters. I don't claim to understand the physics of its movements but I'm pretty sure its got something to do with the rickshaw actually fucking moving. And off he goes spitting paan!
Neon lights and blaring retro music (mostly Himesh) greet you as you enter the much adorned haven of this breed. Don't dare tell them to turn off the music or you may just be introduced to their smelly feet. I'm serious they actually take their shoes off, those bastards! Eventually my only advice to get out of this situation is to develop a keen ear for Himesh and for all his songs and this ride may just be a pleasurable experience for you. Just out of curiosity I once asked them why they liked Himesh so much and was stunned by their response. Apparently the general consensus among the rickshawallah union is that they really don't know what's so special about Himesh but ever since they started listening to it they've been passing stools with ease!
The next set of rickshaw drivers are the one's good girls ignore. That's cause they're probably trippy. They also are ironically some of the most amazing lane cutters, BEST beaters, signal crashers, cock suckers (sorry i put the last one there purely for effect). On a serious note though you will rather enjoy their company if you're all high as well. They usually empathize with the occasional stopping for a smoke and know the best places to find some grass at 5 in the night. All in all I'm satisfied with this lot.
These guys have all those qualities you look for in a girl before taking her home to mom : quiet, reserved, decent, dignified, attentive (I hope that clears the laundry list). The only problem and I mean its a big one is that when they talk which they do, its usually aloud into their Samsung Guru mobiles or to fellow rickshawallahs. This leaves you with an unexplainable gaping void somehow. After an entire day of anonymity you at least expect a certain level of dignified attention from the driver, but you're left feeling hopelessly even more anonymous. These guys are usually the ones you should go to instead of your neighborhood priest for confession!
And here's what happened next. Now not many people know this but I'm obsessed with Rickshawallahs. This obsession began the day they started ignoring my pleas for a ride here and a ride there till I started wondering if there actually is any logical reason they exist. Eventually I got into one and two minutes into the drive I decided on writing an article on character profiles for rickshawallahs. Here is what I came up with. In all I found 5 distinct characters plying the streets of Mumbai.
Character #1: The Indelible Sage
If you encounter this breed don't panic instead do either one of the two, nod your head incessantly or quietly slip out at the signal. These guys love to talk about politics, the weather and local law enforcement. In fact they talk about it with such measured dignity that you're almost taken aback, just enough to plug in those earphones. I tried that but on first notice my rickshaw guy drove on even slower thereby getting his point across. If I had to take a wild guess at the origins of this breed it would probably be that their ancestors were the neglected turds of parrots but it would just be a wild guess!
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| Descended from the great white turd number 42 |
Character #2: Reckless and probably Homosexual
Nothing deters them not even the wind, they ride the lighting and stop only for the occasional leak. They reek of blood, sweat and tears (quite literally). The great thing about them though is that if you're in a hurry then they know just how fast to drive which isn't much because its a fucking rickshaw. But if you really want to catch a glimpse of true speed just look at their meters. I don't claim to understand the physics of its movements but I'm pretty sure its got something to do with the rickshaw actually fucking moving. And off he goes spitting paan!
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| Einstein's working overtime to figure how this shit works! |
Character #3: Disco 82'
Neon lights and blaring retro music (mostly Himesh) greet you as you enter the much adorned haven of this breed. Don't dare tell them to turn off the music or you may just be introduced to their smelly feet. I'm serious they actually take their shoes off, those bastards! Eventually my only advice to get out of this situation is to develop a keen ear for Himesh and for all his songs and this ride may just be a pleasurable experience for you. Just out of curiosity I once asked them why they liked Himesh so much and was stunned by their response. Apparently the general consensus among the rickshawallah union is that they really don't know what's so special about Himesh but ever since they started listening to it they've been passing stools with ease!
 |
| Ek baar aaja aaja aaja aaja aaja (X2) |
Character #4: Probably trippy
The next set of rickshaw drivers are the one's good girls ignore. That's cause they're probably trippy. They also are ironically some of the most amazing lane cutters, BEST beaters, signal crashers, cock suckers (sorry i put the last one there purely for effect). On a serious note though you will rather enjoy their company if you're all high as well. They usually empathize with the occasional stopping for a smoke and know the best places to find some grass at 5 in the night. All in all I'm satisfied with this lot.
Character #5: The Humble ones
These guys have all those qualities you look for in a girl before taking her home to mom : quiet, reserved, decent, dignified, attentive (I hope that clears the laundry list). The only problem and I mean its a big one is that when they talk which they do, its usually aloud into their Samsung Guru mobiles or to fellow rickshawallahs. This leaves you with an unexplainable gaping void somehow. After an entire day of anonymity you at least expect a certain level of dignified attention from the driver, but you're left feeling hopelessly even more anonymous. These guys are usually the ones you should go to instead of your neighborhood priest for confession!
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| Cant get more humble than that! |
And finally it's time for the shameless plug. You must be wondering what took me so long but rickshawallahs get me real worked up. And so without further ado, I present to you the solution for all your rickshaw problems & yes it's a t-shirt which I designed (applause please). Would love some feedback on it. Cheers!
Posts
Thanks for suggesting somebody to whom I can make a safe confession!
ReplyDeleteI didn't say that it would be a 'safe' confession :)
DeleteI started reading the post and I as like Ooooook....
ReplyDeleteBut then I reached the part about Himesh -
Well done sir, well done indeed! :D
Whaaaat?? you didn't like the ugly girl and her armpit hair. Damn, I thought that was the clincher.
DeleteJust kidding :) Thanks bro...